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    They had walked in silence for hours, barely looking at one another. Ashe occasionally walked far ahead or behind, with his hand on resting on the hilt of his sword. Every half hour or so he would leave the trail for a while, scouting he said, when Marie finally asked. Lostherrin looked no less wary, but focused on leading the pack-horse through the wooded trail. Luckily, there had been less snow than usual, making the trails not too hard to walk.
    Lee and Marie walked alongside Lostherrin, and eventually Lee decided to make the most of the time. "So what's it like? Naifalla, I mean. That's where we're headed, so I'd like to know a bit about it before we get there."
    Lostherrin smiled, "It is the most beautiful place. The Marshes themselves are full of wonderful and dangerous plants and animals, but the city... Naifalla is built on the south-east edge of the Marshes, where they meet a large lake and a large range of mountains. Most of the homes are in the sides of the large mountain that the city itself is named after. You see, Naifalla, in our tongue, means Mountain Song. The name is derived from the sounds of the waterfalls and the wind rushing down the mountain to the lake. It is a peaceful place, for the most part, but with the Marshes to the north and west, and the mountains to the south, there are many very dangerous animals, which is why we are all trained in combat. We even train the half-elves, until they are 14, just so they can live to leave the city."
    "Why train them at all? I mean, don't you hate them as much as us humans do?" Lee asked.
    "Yes, but we follow the sacred precepts. Killing of anything that is not a threat is prohibited, and having them leave without training is too close to murder. It will probably take my skills and Ashe's to get us all to the city alive. We do not blame them for being born, but we cannot tolerate such an abomination in our homes. Plus, it is very rare. We have only sent out five of them in the past 20 years."
    "What about your sword? Are you all trained with them?"
    Lostherrin hesitated and looked Lee directly in the eye for a moment before answering, "No, swords are not common. Most of us are trained in unarmed combat and in shooting with bow and arrow." He looked around, his violet eyes searching for Ashe, who had once again left the trail, "This sword was given to me not by my kind, but by a stranger who came to live with us many years ago."
    "A stranger?" Lee's curiosity overcame her.
    Lostherrin nodded, "His name is Raiden, after a heathen god of thunder, I believe. If he has another he has never spoken of it. He came one day from over the mountains, something that has never been done before. He is not human, at least as far as we can tell, for he is at least a head taller than I am, with light brown skin and black eyes and hair. We had never seen his like, but there he was. He gave our blacksmiths orders to make swords like mine, and offered to teach us what he called the Way of the Sword in return for food and lodging. The Oracle said we must accept, and so we did. Since then, he has only taught ten of us, saying most were not suited for his teachings. It was an honour, when he chose me as a student on my tenth birthday. Since then, I have worked very hard to deserve the privilege."
    "You've been training with the sword since you were ten?"
    "Yes. Raiden says that my training will never truly be complete, that even he must continue daily to strive to improve, or there is no use in training at all. He says that this is why he teaches so few. He claims our heads have swollen, and most of us have too much pride and arrogance to ever believe we can never attain perfection," Lostherrin let out a small laugh. "Perhaps he is right. I am often told I am too humble for my own good, but that is why he chose me. He is a very honest man, Raiden."
    "What of the Oracle?" Marie stepped in. "What should I expect when I meet her?"
    Lostherrin was silent for a time, considering his answer, "She is hard to describe. The things she knows, she knows them beyond room for doubt. When she speaks of these things it is with great certainty in her voice, as though no other answer is possible. At other times, however, she seems woefully ignorant. She knew of you, Marie, but not of your sister or Ashe, or how to cure herself." Lostherrin paused again, his eyebrows furrowed in thought, "It is strange, but she spoke of sending someone out to find you before she was ill. The illness came after the Elders questioned her about bringing a human to Naifalla, when she refused to give them any reason. I believe that your coming to Naifalla is the reason for the illness, not the other way around."
    Marie stared at him in surprise, but he refused to meet her gaze. They walked in silence for some time before Ashe returned, saying he had found a suitable place to camp for the night.
   
                                                            • • •

    By the time they had fed and watered the horse, ate a small supper of bread, dried meat and cheese, and set up the camp for the night darkness was beginning to descend. Ashe was making a clear point of sharpening his sword by the fire, not speaking to any of them. Marie occasionally glanced at him, unsure of how to breach the odd distance that had seemed to settle between them.
    Lostherrin observed him for a while as well before speaking, "Would you like to practice against a real opponent? I'm certain I could put up a fair fight."
    Ashe grinned, not in a particularly pleasant way from Marie's view, and nodded before moving to the side of the clearing they were using for a camp. Lostherrin calmly drew his sword from his scabbard before joining him.
    "So what are the stakes?" Ashe asked, grinning again. "The first to draw blood wins the fair maidens?"
    Lostherrin laughed, "I think they would draw more blood than the winner if those were the stakes. They are not the type of women to be won in such a manner, I think. How about the one who loses cooks and does the dishes tomorrow? Slightly less insulting to the women, yes?"
    Ashe laughed as well, finally showing a genuine smile, "True enough. I agree to your proposal, good sir elf."
    "Please don't kill each other over something as trivial as dishes," Marie said. "I'd hate for one of you to die and the other be so wounded that he can't fight off the animals that come running at the smell of blood."
    Ashe smiled at Marie and bowed mockingly, "Don't worry, beautiful maiden, I would not dare to offend your sensibilities with the sight of a dead elf."
    Lostherrin glanced at both Lee, who was sitting and watching with an almost eager light to her eyes, and Marie, who was not quite glaring at Ashe, before looking at the man himself, "Shall we begin?"
    At Ashe's nod the duel began. It was slow at first, both walking in a slow circle, occasionally meeting swords as though both were looking for any weakness the other might betray early. Suddenly the both seemingly sprang into action, flowing like a dance, the clash of swords ringing through the clearing. To Marie's untrained eye they seemed evenly matched, neither giving or gaining much ground, each easily dodging or parrying the other's advances. Quickly the pace increased, swords and arms becoming a blur as they each moved faster through the motions. Both began to sweat from the exertion, but the pace didn't lax as each searched for any opening the other might provide. Marie did not see what happened, each had appeared to step to the side as the other lashed out with the sword, but they stopped and stared at one another, both breathing heavily.
    "I suppose," Ashe said between deep breaths, "this means we will have to share the cooking and washing duties."
    It was then that Marie saw the matching cuts on their arms, each just below the shoulder and shallow enough that the blood was already clotting.
    Lostherrin smiled, "I'm very impressed. It's not often one sees someone of so much skill. Whatever were you doing in a fishing village?"
    Ashe grunted and walked over to the fire, where he had left his scabbard, and sheathed his sword, "It's a long story."
    They all fell silent again, and Marie saw to the cuts, putting on a poultice to ward off infection. She saw to Ashe second, quietly muttering under her breath, "You had no idea how skilled he was, and you haven't used your sword in years. What were you thinking? And what was the point in that exercise? You know, you've been acting like a... well, like a jerk, to be honest, ever since Lostherrin came to the village. He's worried and all you're doing is making it worse."
    Ashe grabbed her hand and looked her directly in the eye, "I'm sorry if I scared you, Marie, but I needed to know I could still fight. I would be of no use to you if I didn't know I could protect you from any danger we might come across."
    Marie stared into his eyes for a moment, breathless, before she could find any words, "Well just be more careful next time. If something happened to you...." The words were left unspoken, and they both headed to attempt to sleep. Both lay awake, staring at the stars.
©2008-2010 ~WhoisAenna
:iconwhoisaenna:

Author's Comments

Well, here's the next chapter in my slowly continuing novel! I hope this answers some of the questions people have had. I think this is my favourite chapter so far, but as always I would love any advice/comments/suggestions/critique.

Thanks for reading! ^_^



Previous Chapters:

Chapter 1 - [link]
Chapter 2 - [link]
Chapter 3 - [link]

Next Chapters:

Chapter 5 - [link]

Comments


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:iconkrissyorange:
Just a small thing I noticed in the 3rd last paragraph:
putting on a poultice to ward of infection

of --> off

--
Visit my :gallery: please!

:+fav: and :+devwatch: appreciated!
:iconpenfencer:
Nicely done. I love this story.
:iconwhoisaenna:
Thank-you, I'm glad you're enjoying it. ^_^
:iconwhoisaenna:
Whoops! >.<'

Thanks for pointing that out, I probably never would have caught it.
:iconmetalmagpie:
(Arriving from :iconproseplease: to give critique.)

As in previous chapters, my main comment to make is that I'd really love more description. You've created a rich world here, but I'd love to see it. Paint my mind a picture of the trail they walk down. What's the weather like and how does that reflect the mood of the travellers? It's always great if details do "double-duty". You can kill two birds with one stone by describing the surroundings and the character's mindset at the same time. e.g. Is the scene bathed in merry sunshine, or is it overcast and forboding?

Naifalla is built on the south-east edge of the Marshes, where they meet a large lake and a large range of mountains.

Is there a better word than "large"? This is Lostherrin's home. If he's going to give a textbook description, it should be short (and so both instances of "large" can be deleted). If he's going to give a longer description, it should be filled with emotion. Does he love this home of his and long to return to it? Or was he glad to get away? Do the mountains and marshes hem the elves in, trapping them? Or is the seclusion comforting?

"I mean, don't you hate them as much as us humans do?"

This feels a little unnatural. Do you regularly say to foreigners, "Don't you hate it as much us Canadians do?" It feels more natural to say, "Don't you hate them as much as we do?" Both parties involved in the dialogue know what species they are.

The deepening mystery of the swords is really nice, but could perhaps do with a little more breaking up. Have a bit of "question and answer" instead of Lostherrin delivering speeches. Maybe throw in some sights and sounds from there journey to punctuate it. How does what they see on their travels shed light on the changing mood of the conversation? Does a distant hawk threaten when the Oracle's illness is mentioned?

Marie occasionally glanced at him, unsure of how to breach the odd distance that had seemed to settle between them.

Where has this distance come from? I couldn't pinpoint in my mind when Ashe started acting out. Was it the arrival of the elf? This isn't necessarily something you need to make crystal clear, but maybe make his initial change of mood at the arrival of Lostherrin a little more noticeable. It was obvious enough that Marie noticed it, as shown by this line:

"You know, you've been acting like a... well, like a jerk, to be honest, ever since Lostherrin came to the village."
...so it should be obvious enough that we really notice it.

This story of yours has been really good so far. The fantasy world is alive with strange races and characters and, only a few chapters in, the reader already has plenty of mysteries to chew over. Your description is, in places, really wonderful (I'd just like more of it!) and your main protagonist is very likeable. With a bit more polishing, this will be a lovely sword-and-sourcery piece. :)

--
"A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song."
~ Chinese Proverb

"Why do I have six screens? Because I don't have room for eight."
~ Terry Pratchett
:iconbr0wnnie:
I enjoyed reading this chapter. I'll probably dig through your gallery to read the previous three. However, there were some rough points that I think could use a little more attention.

In line 2, ...with his hand on resting on the hilt of his sword. has an extra 'on'. There are a few other typos, but this particular one was quite annoying since it's in the beginning and cuts the flow of the story before it's even developed.

Also, I found the description of Lostherrin's homeland a bit lacking. The description was pretty generic and needed some personal elements. Maybe he could've shared an incident he remembers about the dangerous animals that influence the lives of his people so much. Or mused a little of the waterfalls...or something. It felt like he was reading it off of something.

The description of the duel could use a little rephrasing. It gives a nice idea of what they were doing, but nothing else. A little more detail might help.

Other than that, I think it was a nice piece. It certainly did enough to cause an interest to develop in the reader. =)

--
--------
I'm insane, it's your fault, so sly
Your well of lies ran dry
I cut the cord, free fall
From so high we seem so small!
:iconmizuyo:
(arriving from :iconproseplease: to give critique)

"It is the most beautiful place. The Marshes themselves are full of wonderful and dangerous plants and animals, but the city... Naifalla is built on the south-east edge of the Marshes, where they meet a large lake and a large range of mountains."
Ellipses can be very effective in visually cuing someone that a person is pausing, however, I feel that there should be some follow-up to the ellipses so that we know exactly why the speaker is pausing. Perhaps something like,
"It is the most beautiful place. The Marshes themselves are full of wonderful and dangerous plants and animals, but the city..." Lostherrin paused, thinking, then continued, "Naifalla is built on the south-east edge of the Marshes, where they meet a large lake and a large range of mountains."
Or something else that states why the speaker is pausing.

...there are many very dangerous animals...
Do you mean, "many, very dangerous animals?" or did you accidentally get the words mixed up and you meant "very many?" Either way I would omit the "very," since it's kind of a weak descriptor. If you meant the latter, then I would just leave out the very and keep it as is, however, if you mean the former, then I would say something like, "there are many animals there, all extremely dangerous." Or whatever you want, just to clarify your meaning and make more of an impact.

"A stranger?" Lee's curiosity overcame her.
In what way are we shown that Lee's curiosity overcame her? By her asking a question that anyone might under such circumstances? Saying something along the lines of "Lee's curiosity was piqued," might be more appropriate.

Suddenly the both seemingly sprang into action, flowing like a dance, the clash of swords ringing through the clearing.
I think that's supposed to be "they" up there. Also, the word seemingly is a bit ambiguous, I don't know what you're getting at with it. Did they spring into action, or was that just an illusion? I think taking the word out will clear that up. Also, "ringing through the clearing," is almost really nice, but somehow the word "clearing" disconnects me from the fight. It takes my mind from focusing on the intensity of the fight and transports my mind's visualization to a nice open patch of grass under the stars and sky. Not really the effect you want when describing a fight. Just "ringing through the air" or something else might suffice better.
Fight scenes are tough little suckers to describe in words and get the full effect that a person gets when watching or experiencing them. This scene is pretty good considering, however, some better description of the sounds or sights, or even what the fighters are feeling or anything like that to help get the readers adrenaline pumping along with the fighters.

Also, your story has a tendency to jump from person to person on the point of view. See:
Lostherrin glanced at both Lee, who was sitting and watching with an almost eager light to her eyes, and Marie... then, To Marie's untrained eye they seemed evenly matched, neither giving or gaining much ground, each easily dodging or parrying the other's advances.
and a few other times this happens. While this can sometimes be worked in really well in a narrative, usually it just disconnects the reader from feeling what the characters are feeling and instead makes them a little dizzy from all the jumping about. I would either come at it from a purely third person perspective, where you are obviously the narrator and no emphasis on what Marie or Lostherrin or anyone else is seeing is given, or (and since this is a fantasy story I would do this) I would choose only one character per section to come from their point of view. Like the first section in this chapter could be from Lostherrin's point of view and maybe the second from Marie's or however you choose to do it. It doesn't have to be first person by any means, just concentrate more on what one character is seeing, thinking, feeling, etc. Or even just concentrate on one character for the entire story.

...and they both headed to attempt to sleep.
That's a bit repetitive, just doing a little rewording would do great on this part.

It was then that Marie saw the matching cuts on their arms, each just below the shoulder and shallow enough that the blood was already clotting.
I really like this description, especially about the blood clotting, it's a nice visual.

"She is hard to describe. The things she knows, she knows them beyond room for doubt. When she speaks of these things it is with great certainty in her voice, as though no other answer is possible. At other times, however, she seems woefully ignorant. She knew of you, Marie, but not of your sister or Ashe, or how to cure herself."
I like this description of the oracle, I feel like I'm getting to know her through this.

Very interesting so far, I'll be looking at the other chapters when I get a chance. As far as I could catch, your grammar was pretty good for the most part. Keep up the writing and I hope this helps!
:iconpaperdart:
(Also from :iconproseplease: ;))

I enjoyed reading this, and the previous and following chapters of the story. You've created a believable world - and certainly set something interesting up with the hatred of the half-elves. Your protagonists are spunky and likeable, but still entirely believable. Your antagonists seem motivated and understandable, rather than mindlessly evil, which I appreciate in a story.

What I would really like to see is more. Partly, more in the sense that the story is incomplete, but mainly, more detail, more characterisation, more description. I know that the characters are travelling through the wilderness, but I don't feel it or experience it through them. While describing everything they do in detail would certainly become tedious, choosing a few scenes to highlight will build up the reader's impression of your world and characters.

The sword fighting scene in this chapter is good beginning to this, but it focuses almost solely on the action. Describing other scenes in similar detail, in such a way that you incorporate the environment and perhaps some character emotions (particularly, how the characters react to the environment), would, in my opinion, enhance the entire story.

I enjoyed this very much and I hope that you do continue it. Would you consider letting me know if you do? I'm sufficiently intrigued to want to read more. :)

--
#Writers-Workshop -:- #Critique-It

I want a spirit like the wind.

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May 15, 2008
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